Weed Whacking

     Years ago, somebody gave me an electric weed whacker. I’d pull it out every year or so and fool with it, but I never get any productive results.

     Then one day Jeff comes over and insists on getting it out and showing me how to weed whack. He does a couple of things with it and then starts working the front yard. It looks like he has the hang of it and I watch him closely.

     Then the damn thing picks up a rock, shoots it past my ear and shatters the side window of Jeff’s van. Proof the damn weed whacker is out to get me.

     He tapes the window together and heads for a body shop. I put the weed whacker away, now having proof that the thing is dangerous, if not outright evil.

     Fast forward a month and I have to mow the lawn. The lawn mower’s been broken for about a month and it’s been raining so the grass is thick and deep. This was gonna be a heavy-duty job. I try to get my lawn mower to work but it takes about twenty pulls to get it to start and then will only run for a couple of minutes.

     Jeff comes over and takes one look at it and says, “It’s worn out dude, the rings have gone and repairing it will cost as much as a new one.

     I take his word for it, but I’m too cheap to buy a new lawn mower. My friend Mage is moving to Vietnam next month, so he gave me his lawn mower, which actually works the right way. This makes me realize just how bad mine is. Off to Goodwill with the old lawn mower. Somebody’ll have fun trying to fix it.

     So I start mowing the lawn and it’s comparatively easy this time. But there are just some places you can’t mow, can’t get to. Usually I just pull this stuff out by hand but, this is what a weed whacker is for, so I decide to give it one more chance.

     I put away the mower, dig out a monster long extension cord, plug in the weed whacker and try to emulate the way Jeff did it.

     Bbbbrrrrszzuuuuut screams the weed whacker and the plants just in front of it disappear. I try it again and Bbbrrrxxxzzzukkkk, another row of plants cut down to the roots.

     This … is cool. Very cool. Coolest. I want more.

     I start doing the yard and I’m getting a little maniacal with all that power. Can I be stopped? Yes, I can. It stops working. Investigation and guess work prove I’m out of line stuff. I drop everything and head over to Lowe’s. I buy three spools of line and drive fast on the way home.

     I want to do this. Again. Now. Coolest.

      I start at the clothes line and move counter-clockwise around the house, blitzing any plant I don’t like. This is so cool. I never want to stop. I take care of all the lawn mower missed parts of the yard, then clean up the growth in the driveway and then starting edging every piece of concrete on the property.

     Since I’ve never edged any of it since I moved in twenty-five years ago, this is some heavy-duty work but, with my trusty weed whacker, nothing stops me. I edge my tennis shoes once in a while, but does that deter me? No, I’m invincible … except I run out of string.


     I’m going back to Lowe’s. I’m buying a dozen rolls of string. That should keep me stocked up for the rest of the day. I’ll be able to edge my yard and then I’ll start on my neighbors yards and driveways.

     The only thing that can stop me now is the length of all of my extension cords plugged together. With that I can whack weeds anywhere within one hundred and fifty feet of my front or back porch.

     And if the neighbors will let me use their power outlets, there’s no telling when I’ll stop.

     I must leave now. Gardening awaits. I just need more string.

Cruise on over to Amazon.com and get a copy of “Closing Night, Thank God”.


Comments or questions are welcome. Or just tell me something cool.